November 1993: Its Monday; time to head to work, start yet another week. I'm rushing around like mad trying to get ready as well as move my 13 year old son around to get to school. As usual, he's testy and uncooperative. I finally get him out the door, grab my purse and coffee and prepare to head out the door myself when wham.....the room appears to spin, I am reeling on my feet, and it feels like someone stuffed my head with dandelion fluff. I sit down and feel ill. I am determined to head in to work; I have a million things to do in the office on Mondays and I'm expected to answer phones that are more than likely ringing off the hook since we are closed over the weekend. Up I stand, shaking my head to clear it, and march to the door. Driving 25 minutes gives me the time to pretend I'm not feeling strangely and get my thoughts in order for the day.

Fast forward to the following week; yet another day where I feel like someone picked me up and spun me around countless times, then stood me up . Its nearly Christmas time and I have so much to do, work, home, the farm work. I get home, rush to the kitchen to begin dinner preparations while trying to coax my reluctant teen to do his homework, answering questions from my darling hubby about my day. Finally dinner is done and I go to the living room to call my son in to eat. My hubby laughs, "Are you drunk baby??" as I seem to veer off to the left. I just shake my head and tell him I'm a bit dizzy.

Fast forward to February, 1994: I'm sitting in my doctor's office trying to convince him that I need to see a specialist. The medications he's given me has not stopped the dizziness nor explained why I'm having them. He's not my usual doctor, but one dictated to me by my damned HMO that I must go to. Finally, he relents. (Do they get paid extra to keep people from seeking specialist care??) He schedules an appointment with Dr. Avon Coffman, a renown Ear/Nose/Throat Specialist in Kansas City, MO. Finally....I should get an answer!!!

2 weeks later, I am in the specialist's office. He has just come in to examine me, with a line of residents in tow. He spend 5 minutes with his exam; looking into my ears, standing me up with my eyes closed, and then having me shake my head back and forth fast. Then he announces (to the residents, not to me of course) "Classic case of Meneiere's Disease". The residents file out (at least they understand the meaning of privacy!) so that Dr Coffman can explain to us this time what the diagnosis is and what to look for.

What is Meneiere's Disease? Its a condition where your inner ear builds up too much fluid that cannot be drained out. This in turn causes nerves to be damaged, meaning hearing loss, and also affects your balance, coordination, and concentration levels. Some people have Meneiere's to a slight degree and it doesn't progress until later in life. Others have it to such a serious degree they require surgery to correct it. Others, like me, have it in "remission" for a number of years before it becomes full blown. When it becomes progressive, the nerve damage is evident in the levels of hearing loss.

I have been hearing impaired since I was 8 or 9, but was not diagnosed with nerve deafness until I was 12. This is due to doctors not recognizing the damage for some reason. I was losing hearing in my right ear and was fitted with a hearing aid at the age of 12. My nerve deafness at that time was due to Rubella, which I had severely (down my throat, in my eyes, ears...) at the age of 18 months. I was just barely recuperating from that when I caught pneumonia . The two high fevers combined did damage in the right ear nerve endings. But I was given a pretty good outlook, at the time, as there were no other factors.

Since being diagnosed with Meneiere's, I've had to make some life changes. I never was a big salt eater, but did you know that most processed food is high in sodium? Sodium will make your body retain fluid, and in a Meneiere's patient, it retains it in the inner ears. Implanting tubes in the affected ear (MD only affects one side of your body) is not an option. Anyway, I am on a salt restricted diet (which does not bother me in the least) and a low caffeine diet (now THAT one hurts!!!!!!) Caffeine restricts the flow of blood, therefore allowing the fluid to build up even more. I will admit that limiting caffeine is NOT my strong point.

I was able to continue my work and other activities for a good 10 years. I considered myself lucky since I know alot of others are not as fortunate. Having the disease relatively hidden all that time was a blessing. But, as they say, all good things must come to and end.

I began noticing that even with hearing aids in both ears (they fitted a left side hearing aid when I was diagnosed with MD) I was still losing clarity. It all came to a head in 2000. If you read my "About Me" page, you know I lost my husband in a car accident that year. The stress, grief, and depression I suffered from that brought the Meneiere's out of hiding and into full blown capacity.

Not only did I have to return to work a week after his death, but also found myself in deep debt, deep depression, and total loss of who I was. Guess what; depression triggers MD attacks! And MD makes the depression worse....an endless cycle!!!!

I remarried (a long story in itself and not a good one) and the marriage was full of more stress, drama, heartache, and deceit. Even after it ended I still had the same problems as I was not strong enough to get rid of the man. It really played havoc with both the depression and the MD. Finally, the amount of stress from all this broke me. I lost my job, I found myself in a hermit mode, and the depression/MD combination worsened. I finally admitted defeat and filed for disability. This was 2 years ago and I'm still battling for that. Don't get me started on the unfairness of the disability board's decision!

I have since found a more caring ENT specialist; he has me on Antivert, Dyazide (which helps drain fluid...guess how it does this??? I feel like buying Depends!!!), and Bioflavinoids, which are mostly B vitamin complex. They do help some. I also am on other medications for other reasons; all of them, including the Dyazide have a side effect in common....dizziness!!! So I take the Antivert, which controls the dizziness to counteract the other meds. Its main side effect??? Extreme drowsiness!! So I can either go through my days being dizzy, off balance (I turn left even when I don't want to), unable to concentrate, OR I can sleep the day away!

Mind you, I'm trying hard not to complain too much; it could always be worse. The surgery would be wonderful IF I were a candidate, but I'm not. Surgery requires all the affected ear's nerves to be clipped and you would hear only in the other ear. But since my hearing is down to less than 5% in the right ear, I would be totally deaf. Even with only 25% in the left ear is preferable. I have too much life still to live and hear. I have my nearly 3 year old granddaughter's voice I love to hear, my friends and our chats, my son telling me about his day, and my cats' meow to gain my attention. However, it does seem something else could be done. My hearing loss is still progressing and there is no way to stop it. So I want to enjoy life's sounds while I can.

Oh...and the ex who made my life so miserable?? I finally dumped him!!!!!! Its amazing how being on your own can do wonders for your soul. Being with him has made me truly appreciate who I really am and gaining the strength to say enough has given me back my sense of purpose. Giddy or not, I walk with my head up high.