March 4, 2007

Long time no write...life has been such a disappointment, I simply have lost the urge to keep anyone up to date.  I did move back to my mother's, stored all my belongings at my fathers, and have given up looking for a job.  Unemployment was denied since the reasons I've lost jobs was due to the MD, they felt I was totally disabled.  I told them to please tell the Social Security agency, because they felt I wasn't!! Sigh....And no, still no word on the disability case, although I finally did hear from the attorney, who told me I may not get it because I'm not seeing a therapist about the depression.  With Medicaid no longer paying for this, and I have no income, just how exactly am I to do that???  So naturally, the depression deepens, and that triggers the attacks.  Plus, my mother is even more severely impaired than me and keeps the TV at full volume.  That too triggers attacks.  Not much I can do about it, since this is her house and I just stay here.  Plus I don't want to ruin her enjoyment of the TV. 

I rarely go out and about these days.  I'm so fearful of the attacks (which come on suddenly and without warning), plus being in noisy busy places really make me more anxious than ever, and the hearing is so much worse, its just easier to stay in.  There is no enjoyment of anything in my life, just constant boredom, exhaustion, and weight gain.  I used to weigh 108 lbs and now weigh 60 lbs over that.  With my small bone structure, I feel like I'm carrying a whale around all the time.  My back hurts, my joints hurt, the TMJ is worse, and I constantly have migraine type headaches.  The jaws are clenched when I sleep, so I wake up not feeling like I have had any sleep at all.  I sound like such a grouch...but truth is, there's really not much to be happy about.

I take that back; I do have 3 things in my life that bring me great joy:  Fallon, who is 4, Thomas who is 17 mths, and #3, who is due in April.  He is expected around April 9, but I"m hoping with everything I have that he arrives on Friday the 13th...that was Tom's birthday. What a wonderful thing if he was!!!!

Other than that, life turns on  a spinning axle and I feel as if my grip is slowly loosening.  One of these days I'll just fly off and that will be the end.

 

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